Confused Beginnings
by dreamerbabylioness
Summary: Set after Darkest Hour. Too complicated to explain... just generally, Suz doing her business, plus she meets up with Madam Zara again... Quick A/N on page 11.. sorry I haven't been here lately guys
1. prologue-sorta-thingy

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, or any of the settings, or anything like that. They all belong to the lovely Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot

A/N: This is my first fic. Please do not flame me. Please REVIEW ME. hehehe. it's a bit slow at first, most of my writing is, but it'll get better. Also, I have a bit of trouble with past tense POV writing. The problem is I've never done it before. And I know this probably sucks. I'm just TRYING okay?

"Nearly there Suze," urged Cee Cee. "Just one more tiny gulp."

'Just one more tiny gulp' my ass. I was seriously wonering why I ever became friends with her. Sure, the constant info source – even if she did nearly get me killed with the whole 'Red' thing – was a plus most of the time.

But if I wasn't her friend, I may not have had to resist finding a way to whipe that cocky smirk off her face. Instead I had to keep _imagining_ my fist connecting with her jaw, instead of acting on it.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kill the bastard who created that horrible game, 'truth or dare'. Or rather, the first person to dare someone else to do something, and started the whole craze. I'm going to _kill_ him, and then when he comes crawling to me, wanting me to mediate away his problems, _I'll kill him again_.

I thought I could handle almost everything. But _this_…

Cee Cee giggled at me. I suppose my disgust must've shown on my face.

"Cee," I said in my best, killer 50-watt smile and finest puppy dog eyes. With the number of hours I've spent in front of the mirror practicing, there's no way she can resist.

"Not a chance."

Damn. Why does she have to be so stubborn? Maybe Sister Ernestine was right… I _have_ been 'polluting the minds of my peers and juniors with my _big-city ideas'_. Though I'd die before admitting that to her face.

Seeing as how that was obviously not the reaction I was looking for, I turn to plan B.

"_Adam…_" I said, in the same, whiny voice, smile not loosing power… Okay, Suze, blink. Gooood girl. Still got it!

How can this be? Adam's smirking too!

So much for still having it. 

Seeing no way out, I turn back to the cup. _Ew_, is all I can say. Times about a million. Okay, cappuccino I could handle, maybe even a latte, but _expresso?_

Why, oh WHY did I have to give in to this stupid dare?

Bracing myself, I poured the icky stuff down my throat. Damn, it's BITTER. How the hell can people _actually_ drink it _on a regular basis_ and **_on their own free wil???_**

I'm telling you, the applause and 'go Suze' I got from Cee Cee and Adam totally made up for the torture I went through though.

_…Not_.

Ooooh, they are gonna pay. But first, I have to go find something to wash this taste out of my mouth with…


	2. walking home

To my one lovely reviewer, Charity. Thanks!

I didn't get Adam to drop me straight home after our little episode at the Coffee Clutch. I wanted to get some fresh air, plus, I'm sure Cee was getting very uncomfortable in the back seat. I also recalled that that faithful bike was still stashed in the bushes around Safeway, so I told Adam to just drop me off there. He thought it was a bit weird, but I just explained I needed to do some shopping or something. He still thought it was weird, but he let it drop.

I figured I could just walk home then – I wasn't too eager to get home any time soon, so I just started a leisurely stroll home, the bike rolling along beside me, enjoying nature. Well, okay, yeah, not nature – more like, the setting sun, casting beautiful colours into the sky. Absolutely gorgeous.

Perfect time for a visit from a certain undead male…

As it was, I did get a visit from a certain undead. Unfortunately, not the one  was wanting though.

I was just turning up the driveway when I saw him. At first I thought it was a light, with the whole glow and all. But no, it was a man. Well, it used to be a man, hehehehe.

"Are you the mediator?" said the man. He couldn't have been more than 40 or so. But then again, who knows when he died? I mean, this is just him in his most comfortable form.

I just grunted. Yes folks, the amazingly fit Susannah Simon can't even walk 2 km without getting red and puffed. I really need to get up my fitness.

"Oh. Well, I was told to contact you."

Grateful for a stop at least, I sort of leaned onto the seat of the bike and just looked at him. "Yeah, okay," I was about to say 'what do you want' but I remembered my manners. I'm a good girl. "What do you want me to do for you?" Hahaha.

"Well, see," He had a nice voice. A soft sort of silky voice. Sort of like…

No Susannah. We're not going down that path right now.

He explained to me that he was about 40 when he died. Go me! I can guess people's ages.

Then he informed me that he was in the shape that he was when he was 30. Woops.

Anyway, so he died (natural cause… high cholesterol, heart attack… Man, it's true what they're saying about men these days being totally unhealthy!) and then he left in his will this diamond necklace for his daughter, but his wife (nope, not stepmother of the daughter or gold-digger. A genuine, in love with him wife. Man. Why is it that I'm _disappointed_ when there's no scandal going on?) had taken it, and he wanted me to tell his wife (Margerate) to give it to his daughter (Desiree), or just to remember to give it to her when she was ready. I said okay. 

Oh, and I remembered to ask _his_ name before I continued my walk up the driveway. Fred Carpaci. Ha.

When I finally made it up the driveway, put the bike in the garage, said hi to my mum and walked up to my room.

Yup, you guessed it. Or not. He wasn't there.

I tried not to be disappointed. I mean, it's not like I was _expecting_ him to be there anyway. I mean…

Okay, yeah, I was disappointed. But not that much.

Okay, yeah, that much.

Or more.


	3. afternoon at the ackerman-simon's

A/N: Two notes. Firstly, this is to my TWO lovely reviewers J Thank you. Secondly, sorry, I forgot to mention before. For this fic, _pretend_ that Darkest Hour spans over Suz's whole summer vacation, and the day that Jesse and Suze kissed was a Monday, and school starts again on the Wednesday, and Doc came home on the same Monday. K? 

      Also, the part after this is written already, but I'm not going to post it today, because really, it deserves to be done on its own. I'm sure y'all will love it though.

I didn't have a lot of time to mull it over though, 'cause next thing I knew my mum (though still surprised hat I'd elected to walk home) was calling me down for the famous Ackerman-Simon-Max dinner. Thankfully, the hottub is as of today fully installed – well, sort of. As installed as it needs to be with Andy to have some spare time anyway. So food, thankfully, is back to it's usual goodness. Doc was back too – the cutey. He seemed more smart than usual. Well, that's what I picked up from the 10 seconds or so before I had to go out. Got to give the little kid a hug though!

Anyway, as I was _preparing _to say, dinners are back to normal. 

Which equals to a bunch of _ew_ gues (one worse than the rest, and one way better) grabbing for fourth helpings of food, talking with their mouths full, under-arm fart-thingies, burps and beer.

Okay, maybe not that bad.

No, I take that back. That bad.

After I'd packed in the dishes, I just watched TV for about three and a half hours.

Pathetic, I know.

But I couldn't go upstairs. I mean, what if he still wasn't there? he's avoiding me, I know.

Or worse, what if I went upstairs and he _was_ there.

So it was around ten when I went upstairs, oddly still very awake. But nonetheless, I changed into my PJ's (in the bathroom, of course) and crept into bed.

Damn. I could so not sleep.

I must've lied there, eyes closed, but still totally awake, for aournd three more hours. All I can say is, I am never drinking coffee, _ever_ again. 

In other words, I was still awake when, around 1am, Jesse suddenly appeared.


	4. midnight visit

**A/N**: Here it is! Thanks to all my lovely reviews… you're all so sweet! Hope I don't disappoint!

From previous part:__

_In other words, I was still awake when, around 1am, Jesse suddenly appeared._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He didn't notice I was awake though.

See, don't ask me how, but when he appeared, I sort of… knew. That's the only way I can explain it. It's like… he didn't make a sound, and I didn't see him, or feel a disturbance in the air or anything, and it's not his smell… I just sort… Well, it sounds absurd. So absurd I'm not even going to bother saying it out loud.

Anyway, so after he appeared, all I had to do was peak through my lashes to reassure myself that I wasn't making stuff up.

I wasn't.

Nope, he was there. Like always, he looked stunningly hot. The stars were giving him a sort of bluish glow, and combined with his ghost glow, which is more of a whitish-silverish, it was gorgeous.

But let's face it, Jesse's always gorgeous.

So I kept breathing deeply, you know, pretending to be asleep.

You're wondering why I didn't take him up on the fact that he was obviously avoiding me, aren't you? Well, I had a couple of reasons:

1. I didn't want to wake up the whole house yelling at him;

2. I was sure if I tried I would choke up and start crying

but mostly, 3. I was curious. I mean, what was he doing in my room at one in the morning? Not a whole lot, it seemed initially. At first, he just stood around, then he sat down on the window seat, took out of a piece of paper and a pencil from his pocket, and started scribbling. On the paper, I mean. So yeah, he was scribbling something onto the piece of paper, glancing at me every minute or so to make sure I was definitely still asleep, I guess. I know all this thanks to regular peeps through the eyelashes, of course.

Finally, he stood up, and I thought he was going to disappear. But then he sort of dazedly started walking towards me. My heart started beating wildly. Maybe he'd noticed I was awake.

It shocked me when he sat down softly on my bed.

He looked so beautiful! He was sort of leaning over me, his bangs hanging into his eyes, his legs off the bed, his hip lightly touching mine 

Then, so softly I thought I imagined it, his fingertips softly touched my cheek.

My heart was beating so hard then I didn't know how he couldn't hear it.

But anyway, so his fingers lightly caressed my cheek, then they moved all over my whole face, lightly touching everything. 

When he was done with this, his hand returned to my cheek, lightly cupping it, with his thumb gently stroking my bottom lip. Then he leaned down.

I was beyond gone. He was so… sweet. And he wasn't just putting on an act for me either. He didn't know I was awake.

Softly, like a butterfly, so soft I wasn't even sure it happened, he kissed both of my closed eyes, the tip of my nose, and then, just as softly, me lips.

Then he stood up and disappeared. 

**Another A/N**: I don't really like the way I wrote this part, but I'm not going to rewrite it otherwise I'll never be able to finish this fic. Hope you get the point, anyway. Next part'll be out as soon I as I get time to write it up.


	5. chapter 5

A/N: The next parts are sort of boring. I'll try to get them out A.S.A.P., but school's started again (here) and all, so it may not be as often as I'd like. Remember my happy ending insurance!!! There's lots more to come. THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS!!!!

I woke up the next day at 11-ish. Thanks to two former friends, but mostly a _certain _very sweet but utterly _dim-witted­_ ghost, I had only managed to fall asleep around 5.

No more midnight visits for me, I think, with the baggage I'm carrying around under my eyes today. I wouldn't be able to attract even the worst-looking of gorillas, let alone a totally hot ghost.

I did manage to get started on the whole Carparci thing though. Well, as much as I could while half asleep. In other words, I looked up 'Carpaci' in the white pages.

Would you believe there are _twenty_ Carpacis listed in this area?

Excuse me, but if _I_ had a name like Carpaci, I would shoot myself.

(No, sorry, that's very mean. I shouldn't go around saying stuff like that.) (Plus, if they all took my advice, I would have _way_ more problems anyway.)

I did not feel like I could call all of that, and I felt a migrane coming on, so I figured I'd done enough mediating for the day, so I trudged back upstairs and went back to sleep.

Ha! I wish.

No, ashamedly enough, the first part, about the mediating, is true, just not the trudging-up-and-going-to-sleep part.

I know, I'm very cruel. People come to me with their problems, and I put it aside until later because I can't be bothered. So while I sit and watch TV, or whatever, their eternal souls have to be tormented because their psychotic killer or whatever, is still on the loose.  

But I figured, this just isn't that urgent, you know?

Man, I sound so callous!

Anyhow, continuing.

So when, after brunch, sleepy casually told me that he and Brad were going down to 'catch some waves', I accepted his invitation to come along (and privately, I think it was very nice to invite me along).

So I spent the last day of my summer Vaca on the beach, perfecting my tan while trying to drown out the sound of Dopey and Sleepy's groupies, and, for once, being blissfully unaware of the killers and psychos around me, dead or alive, if there were any.

That's why I was so happy when I came home, ate dinner, fed spike and…

Noticed that a certain _esparte_ was still absent.

This was really making me mad. Where the hell was he? How stupid can a guy get? You don't win the way to a girl's heart by masking your feelings and…

Woah. Come to think of it, that's exactly what _I_'ve been doing.

After about an hour of arguing myself over this little fact (But he's the guy… Aren't I always yakking about equality?… and so forth), I decided to have a shower, go to bed, and stay awake until, if he was planning to, he showed up again, and then I'd take him up on it.

Right before he disappeared, I mean. I have to see what he's going to do first.

Unfortunately though, the lack of sleep from the night before caught up with me, so if Jesse showed up, I wasn't there to witness it.


	6. school

**A/N: Some more stuff… promise all this boredom will cease eventually!**

That little 'lack of sleep' went very far. The next morning I woke up at seven-thirty – guess morning visit from Jesse was out of the question. Not that stopped me from feeling sorry for myself – the fact that Jesse could have been respecting my wishes to get to school on time, and that was the reason he wasn't showing up, I mean. Oh no. That didn't stop my self-pity at all.

But my darling stepbrothers, for one(s), were being totally un-pitying on the matter. They even went as far as blaming _me_ for making them late. Geesh. People these days. 

And may I mention that the bags under my eyes had not at all improved? Mixed with my gritty, un-hair-dryed hair (not having time enough to wash it that morning… though luckily, I had washed it the night before when we came back from the beach. So it wasn't _totally_ awful) I must've looked like the wicked witch of the oil factory. Exactly what you're always looking for on your first day back at school.

I plopped down in my seat behind Cee ten minutes late. Oh well. 

Luckily, though, Mr Walden was late too, so I didn't get called on it.

Before he came in I did have a chance to pass Cee Cee a note though – 

_Bad morning, Cee. Thanks to you._

To which she returned.

_Hey, if you're pissed, don't blame it on me. What'd I do!!!!_

Ha. As if she didn't know!

I didn't have time to reply though, because right then Mr Walden came in. (Later than me! Whoohoo! I'm not in trouble! If I'd have been given a detention, I may have been forced to kill myself.)

"Now listen up class." No response. People kept talking. I sighed. "Listen up!!" He said. Still getting no response, he slammed his chair down, hard. 

Everyone looked up, alert. 

"Glad you're all back to your… usual… selves. Anyhow, we have a new student here today," Murmurs broke out over the class, "Who will be arriving in a while, and I want you all to welcome him and be nice when he comes in." Murmurs turned into whispers, which turned into soft talking. In no time we were back to our usual volume, while Mr Walden was fine just checking off the roll.

I, however, was thinking.

A new student! Why hadn't I thought of it. It was obvious we would be getting one. I mean, with Michael leaving the class and all. Hadn't my mom told me that JSMA had a waiting list? This guy must've been on top.

Oh well. Hope he doesn't carry any ghosts along with him.


	7. conversations

**A/N**: Well, I was gonna write a lot of parts before this one. But I didn't want to bore y'all to hell. SO, from now on, I'm gonna write the _important_ parts, and in those I will describe what happens between parts. Kapeesh?

"Suze, Mum says to finish your homework!" Screamed Doc up the stairs. Geesh. Can't he go up the 20 steps or so to my room and save his voice a little bit? 

"Tell her I'm already done!" I screamed back. Um, well, with me it's different, you know?

I wasn't lying. I'd actually finished my homework for once. Go me!

Since it was done and all, I was free to make some phone calls. Normally, I would just give my favourite little ghost a yell, and talk to him instead, but since it seems he doesn't want to talk to me (me, sad? No way. If he doesn't want to talk to me, why would I want to talk to him!) I elected to phone some of my friends instead, and continue on the whole 'Crapaci' thing. 

I thought who I could call first. Amazingly, about the fifth person who jumped into my head (after Gina, Adam, Cee and Father D) was Derick Johnson. Yup, you guessed it. The new guy. Quite a hotty, and really nice. And, get this, he hung out with _my group _today at lunch time, after _turning down_ Dopey and Kelly and their entourage's invitations (seeing as how, of course, he was 'totally cool people material').

Yup. Weird, huh.

This was after he and I got talking during homeroom. He comes from CVHS, you see, so I asked him if he knows Kim. Turns out they went out for a while. So we just kept talking. Like I said, he was really nice.

[**A/N: **Okay kids, how was that? Should I just go back to writing as it happens? Or does this reflecting stuff actually work?]

Anyway, I decided to call Gina first. I hadn't heard from her in a while, so I just wanted to catch up. 

When she answered, her voice was sort of a dull 'Hello'.

But then when she heard it was me, it was like, "SUZE!!!! OMG, I was going to call you tomorrow!!! I wanted to speak to you!!!". Yes, with all the exclamation marks. 

I must say, this was extremely gratifying. I had, after all, seen her 2 months ago, and had heard from her not that long ago either. And she was _still_ excited to hear from me. I must be a pretty good friend!

"There's something I have to tell you!"

Um… so maybe she isn't _just_ excited because it's me. Maybe there's something else too… but hey, if she has to tell it to me, that does show that she was thinking of me! Go me!

So she went on to explain what she wanted to tell me. Apparently, after coming back from California all those months ago, she had decided she was going to locate Madam Zara. You know, to find out more about 'The One' and all. And then like, a week ago or something, she had finally managed to locate the gypsies, or circus or whatever, that Madam Zara was with, and with the help of some computer guy who wanted to do her a favour, she'd managed to find out where they were heading.

And it turns out (yippee!) Madam Zara is coming to Monterey, which is only about 5 miles from Carmel, and I 'absolutely have to go, Suze. I mean, you could like, find out exactly who he is and stuff!'. 

The more I thought about it though, the more excited I became about it. I mean, Gina was right. I _could_ ask Madam Z some stuff, and not just why _I_'m the one who's stuck being hounded by the spirits of the undead, why I have to fall in love with a ghost, and is there any way that I can become a normal person, while still being able to see the odd ghost of my father and the hot Spanish guy living in my bedroom? 

Ha. She'll probably say something like 'the fates would rather I did not say'. More like, in reply to the first question 'because all those people 'up there' hate you, to the second, ditto, and to the third, no. Because of the same reason as the first two, of course!'

Then it popped into my head. Maybe she could find a way for me and Jesse to have a perfect life!

Once again, ha. But I thought I may as well go anyway.

When we had finally exhausted ourselves from talking so much, me spilling every single thing I could think of (well, apart from the whole Jesse thing) and Gina, in return, dishing all she could about her latest boyfriends (though, disgustingly enough, it sounds like she _misses _Sleepy. Gag me with a spoon. Please), we said goodbyes (well, it was about 11 her time by then, so she probably wanted to go to sleep), and hung up.

I sighed, plopped back on my bed, and thought.

It wasn't long before Jesse turned up.


	8. more visits

 [A/N: Once again, to all my reviewers. Sorry, this part is very rambly. I know. Romance, or confrontations, or conversations, are not my things. Then again, neither is fanfiction. Oh well!

And Reem. How the hell did you find this fic, that's what I would like to know. You evil evil person. You know what? I'm going to post your fic for this. I swear I will. } Also, don't read on. It seriously DOES have spoilers.]

[oh, and more. This part is pretty long. Sorry]

From previous part: 

_I sighed, plopped back on my bed, and thought._

_It wasn't long before Jesse turned up._

Continuing:

Yup. Again. But this time he knew I was awake. Which is something, I guess.

I blinked, opened my eyes, and there he was. Leaning against the bedpost, as if nothing had happened, as if he had not, for the past… um… was it only 3 days? Am I overacting? No, I don't think so. He appeared, leaning against my bedpost, looking hot as always, as if he had not been avoiding me for _3 days_ as if he hadn't kissed me _3 days ago_, and as if he had just popped in for no reason.

Then I was like: huh. What? Well, maybe the kiss hadn't meant that much to him.

No, that was not the case. The same day as the one he'd kissed me, I looked up the word 'peck' in the dictionary. A light, quick kiss. You know, the type you give to relatives.

What Jesse and I had was sure as hell _not_ a peck. I would _not_, for example, give my _father_ that sort of a kiss.

It was amazing. His lips were so soft, and… well, it was the most amazing kiss of my life. I know that's not saying much, as it's only the second kiss of my life, but, I'm sure, noone but Jesse will ever be able to kiss like that, or make me feel like that, or… well, you get what I'm saying.

Anyway, when I looked up, he was there, leaning against the bedpost, just like I somehow knew he would be. He was looking at me, this little smile tugging at his lips, and his eyes sort of glazed over.

"Jesse?"

"Querida…" He replied in that damn soft, silky voice of his.

I don't know why, but that sort of made me mad. I mean, he thinks he can just come here, act like he was here yesterday and things are just fine and whatever, and expects me to go along with it? Well, he's got another thing coming.

"Why are you here?" Jesse flinched. Damn, that sounded… cold. I mean, I had been trying to sound cold, but not like _that_. Sheesh. No wonder he'd rather hide his love to me.

"I… I came to talk to you."

"Well, go ahead, talk." Yup, that's cold. And hard. Crap. I don't mean to sound so hostile!

"Well… I wanted to apologize for… kissing you. Because…" 

My head started going fuzzy, and everything was a little bit blurry. He was _apologizing? _For maybe the best thing that had ever happened to me? What was I doing, being in love with this guy. I mean, geez, he finally does what I've been waiting for him to do for… well… ever since I met him, really, and he goes and takes it back. Perfect. Peachy keen.

Well, I could not stand it anymore. So I said exactly what was on my mind.

"Get out."

"But querida…"

"Oh no, you're not 'querida'ing me here mister. Get out. You hear me? Get. Out. _Now_."

Man, I swear, I could see the exact moment his heart broke. Or something of the like. Straight after, he disappeared.

And I promptly burst out in tears.


	9. calls

part 9 

[A/N: yes, I know, finally. I'm really sorry to all of you L forgive me? I'm trying my best here? 

And reem. How can you not have not picked up ANY spoilers yet. Crazy girl. Well, I suppose if you're so dim you can't pick them up, feel free to read on. (not like I can stop you anyway, but I like to think I can)

To the rest of you. Charity, queen kat, Ruby Alien, Bloody Angel, Krystar, Knight_Maria (_especially_ 'cause of that damn, 'and he kissed me lips' thing. Embarrassing!!), ndblue123, kapies, kalichick13 (I am not going to be bothered writing it out like you do), Music, and Kamrusepas Night (how the hell you find time to review me when you're out writing your own story, I have no idea)… THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. AND to all those people who haven't flamed me yet! Y'all rock!!!! thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you and a million times over. I know, I know, by now you're all saying, get on with the chapter, damnit!! Sorry. I just wanted to get that out]

[Okay, okay, here I go…]

The next day I was pretty depressed. I kept going through the same scene over and over in my head. Him: I'm sorry. Me: Get out. Him: Heartbroken. 

I mean, I did the right thing, didn't I? He'd been totally avoiding me for _days_, then he showing up and apologizing – it was the right thing, right? I mean, I was totally… What am I doing? I don't need to convince myself here. I was right. 

But the thins is, if I was so right, why do I feel like shit? 

I pondered on this while everyone else was in school, doing first period.

No, I did not 'wag'. Well, to tell you the truth, right before we were all about to leave I was working out how I was going to sneak out of school. But then my mum saw me and the massive baggage I was carrying under my eyes (Yup, yet again. I can't seem to get rid of it nowadays,) so she said 'You look a bit pale' and the gears in my head went roll roll roll and out of my mouth popped 'Yeah, I don't feel very good. Could I please stay at home today?'

So she said 'Aw, sure honey' and started being all motherly, you know, taking my temperature and all. I got her to give up after about an hour, though she did look a bit disappointed… she never did get that 'aw mummy, I'm so sick, get me some ice-cream' thing from me.

I guess, sitting there for an hour got me thinking about how slack I'd been lately. I mean, a guy comes up to me with his problems, and I don't even care, I'm too busy worrying about my holiday nearly being over and the fact that a certain ghost won't admit his feelings for me and how I'd rather watch television. I mean, I'm the mediator. This is my, however much unpaid, job, and people relied on me for it. So I did what I had to do.

I called Mrs Carpaci

It was sort of a let-down actually.

Let me start from the beginning:

Well, I return to the hand-dandy white pages, with it's twenty Carparcis. But I was smart. I looked for an M Carparci. There were 2. I called both. Neither were Margerates. So I was about to give up.

But then I was like, no, I'm being stupid. If Frank had just died, his name would still be in the White Pages, since it only comes out once a year! 

So yes, lo and behold, there was one F A and M T Carparci. So I called that.

This is pretty much how the conversation went:

Me: Hello, is this Margerate Carparci?

Unknown person at the other end of the line: Yes (well, I guess not unknown anymore!)

Me: Hi. I'm Susannah Simons. You don't know me, but I know your late husband.

MC: I'm sorry, but if you want to talk to him (little hesitation, sharp intake) He's... well… dead.

Me: I know. It's not that I want to talk about. Well, in part. I know that there is a necklace. A necklace you were suppose to give to your daughter, but didn't.

MC: No, look… it's… well…

Me: I don't really care, if you don't mind me saying so. If you will just give your daughter the necklace…

MC: But (hiccup) You don't understand… (hickupy watery sound) I… I… (starts crying)

Me: Okay… (trying to sound reassuring) Look, I know that you've been going through some tough times… but could you just give it to your daughter.

MC: (Through her sobbing) Look, it's not that I don't…  don't want to… I just… I can't.

And then she hung up.

Okay, that was weird.

[Once again, I want to say that I'm REALLY sorry, not only for the fact that I haven't posted in so long, but also because now that I have, it's crap. I'll really try to post more often in future, and to make the chapters more interesting… I'll start with chap 10 RIGHT NOW and make sure there's a lot of Jesse in it… k?]


	10. Trynt

After school, I got a call from Father Dominic. We talked for a while. He said he was calling because he said I'd been seeming a little off color, nauseous and very distracted since the beginning of the term (hey, it was only yesterday, okay? It's only been _one day _for crying out loud!) and that he was very worried about me. So it took about 5 minutes to start off with for me to convince him that I was, in fact, fine, that he must have been imagining the whole 'very distracted, off color, nauseous' thing, and that I was staying home today for the mere fact that I was feeling a little under the weather and my mother wanted company since she wasn't working today (all true, I didn't even have to worry about if it's wrong to lie to a priest. Well, okay, so the _reason _she stayed home was _because_ I was feeling a 'little under the weather' and that 'little under the weather' I was feeling included symptoms of distraction, off-color and nauseousness… but let's not be picky here!) But anyway, he said the reason he hadn't talked to me yesterday was because he had been busy with a little mediating problem… some guy who had cancer wanting a poem restored so he could give it to his children… and the people who owned the house where it was located were being rather, well, uncooperative. I'm thinking along the lines of Father D is going to have to do some breaking and entering… wonder how _that's _going to work out. 

Anyhow, so after we were done talking and I assured him I'd get a lot of sleep and not do anything rough for a while, said our goobyes and hung up.

About an hour after that I decided to call Jesse.

The end

[Nah, just kidding. I was taking a leaf out of KN's book… that was so cruel when you did that!!!! But anyway, I'm still continuing since I PROMISED some Jesse in this one, but it's gonna start like the beginning of the next chapter since that's the only way I know how to write. Cheers!]

The reason I decided to was well… Just because. I didn't want to go through another 3 days of pulling my hair out and wondering, and maybe not even seeing him again ever, when I could just fix it now. Well… maybe not fix it exactly, but at least try to.

So I called him.

Yeah, inside my head and all. I was pretty sure it would work. But after about 20 minutes, he still wasn't there. So I just went, really hard, inside my head (didn't want to disturb everyone else in the house) _JESSE!!!!!!!!! _

And then, like the night before, I knew he was coming.

And then he was there. Looking studly, as always. A bit confused, and a bit hurt for a second, but he quickly shielded it.

"Yes?" He asked. Completely calm. Enquiringly. Damn, now it's going to be even _harder_, me blabbering on, him just standing there with one eyebrow raised, _enquiringly_. Insert grumbling noises here.

"Well. Jesse. I was… well… I was wond… well, not really wondering, more like, thinking…" Furrow eyebrows in semi-confusion. Get yourself together Suze! "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm wondering what you were trying to say last… last night before I so rudely… well… cut you off, which was really for no reason and completely unreasonable of me and well, I'm sorry for that, blame it on PMS or whatever… so could you just… er… repeat? it? Please."

He looked doubtful, but he repeated his words from last night. "I wanted to apologize for kissing you."

Okay Suze, try hard not to flinch. You knew that was coming. "That's what I thought. But now I would like to ask you… why?"

Jesse looked uncomfortable. You know, wringing around his hands, staring down at the ground, shuffling his feet. I heard him mumble "Well, I did do it without asking."

"You don't ask for things like that. Why would you?"

He looked up. Surprised I guess. But his eyes caught mine… Wow. I am beyond gone already, I know, but his _eyes_ here people!!! How could I not be? I almost missed what he said "Well, you were obviously not expecting…" Okay, if we keep going on this way, by the time I get out of him what I want to get out of him, I'll be too old to understand it. So I cut things short.

"So are you saying you're sorry because you kissed me while I wasn't expecting it?" I didn't give him time to reply "So are you sorry for kissing me? Or sorry for doing it without asking?" His face remained blank "For what are you sorry Jesse?!" He opened his mouth, and I knew what was going to come out was going to be one of those vague answers again, so I said what was on my mind. "No, don' t bullshit me Jesse. I want the truth."

His eyes were bright. Afterward I realized it could have been because he was close to tears.

"I am sorry that I am dead." He said, a single tear sliding down his cheek from one of his gorgeous bright eyes, "And I am sorry that I kissed you, know that I can never be what you want or deserve. And I sorry that I enjoyed it. But most of all, I think, I am sorry that I love you." Oh My Freakin…. No wait. He's about to disappears, isn't he? I can feel it. I have to stop this…

"Jesse! No, don't go!" That stopped him. He's probably wondering how I figured out he was about to go. Hell, I'm still trying to figure that out myself… but I have more important matters to deal with at the moment.

Anyway, he was so shocked at that that he looked up, and our eyes met again. So I just held onto that contact, stepping forward a bit, and he didn't even notice.

Man, this was going to be hard. But what was that thing someone always said? Faint heart never won fair lady? Or love without risks is no love at all? Guess I'm gonna have to test it out.

"Jesse… I'm… not sorry. And" A brief pause while I choked on my own tears, that I hadn't even noticed were coming, "I love you too." Then I threw my arms around him, into the biggest hug I had ever given anyone. And we spent a long time, just crying into each other's hair, soaking shoulders in the process, angered at the unfairness of it all.

[Crud, okay, _that_ was pretty bad. But you get the general picture, don't you? Anyway, this is going to be the last part of 'Confused Beginnings'. I've decided I'm going to split the story into a trilogy-sorta-thing, or even a du/bilogy (don't bother telling me there's no such thing, I really don't care, hehehe). Anyway!!! Thanks to ALL my lovely reviewers, as always, it nearly makes me cry when I think about it… you're all so sweet, THANK YOU!!!! *gives them all a big hug*]


	11. just a note

HEY! I'm sorry, I forgot to put the address for the sequel in here. Well, the little bit of it that I've written. In other words, one page. But I really AM going to try to update soon/regularly from now on. Anyway, it's called 'Strange Revelations' and it's at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=821612.  
  
And while I'm here, I just want to say thank you for everyone who reviewed this story. Without all of you, I probably would never have gotten even the first part finished. Or even gotten past chapter two! You've all really been an inspiration to me, and THANK YOU to all of you. I know I don't deserve it, but it's nice that you guys think I do (  
  
Anyway, sorry it's been two months!  
  
Lots of love, ~Lou 


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